Nobody asked me...

Apologies in advance if this post is overly rambily and inarticulate.  I'm having trouble putting my thoughts down today and making this post sound the way I intend it to mean is proving difficult.

I never asked for this life.

I never asked to have to join the workforce.

I would have been happy to get married and stay home and look after my husband.

You can all gasp in horror and tell me how anti feminism(ist?)* I am now.  It's ok.

About 7 months ago I gave up a 10 year career as a conveyancer in a law firm to do straight out admin for the company I now work for.  When I say straight out admin I mean, phone answering, photocopying, binding - pretty much bottom of the ladder type stuff.

Most people do not understand my decision.  To say it was a big step down is an understatement.  To say I am way over qualified for my current job is an understatement.  The main motivating factor for the change, getting married. 

I no longer wanted to have a job that required pretty much all of me.  I no longer wanted to be working 12 hour days (or more).  I no longer wanted to be taking my job home with me. 

To be honest with you I never really wanted a job like that in the first place.

Truth be told, this dang job of mine, the one I have now, it still requires more of me than I'm willing to give most days.

Source

That's my bug bear I guess.  I feel like we (women) were so focused on what we didn't have we lost site of what we did have and what we would be giving up.

We are told we can be whatever we want to be but that's not true.  I can't stay at home and look after my husband. This society, this life we have created for ourselves makes it near impossible to do so. 

We live in an oil and gas town.  That means living here is an expensive exercise, one that doesn't allow us to live on one wage just now.  Heck it may not allow us to live on one wage ever.  You may say it's our choice to live here and you are right, it is.  It's also where my husband feels that God has called us to be (which is another post entirely).

I'm not saying that those that want to have a job and a husband and a family all at once shouldn't be able to do so.  I'm just bemoaning the fact that it feels as if my choice to stay at home has been revoked in the process of giving women that right.

I think it's an introvert thing.  I think I was somewhat designed to have home-maker stamped on my forehead and be quite happy about that.

Most days I can suck it up and get on with my life.  Most days I ignore what I would rather be doing but some days, like today, I feel really disheartened.

Today I am jealous of a friend who can write the words that she is pottering around her house tidying it up.

Today I would rather be at home making something for dinner in the slow cooker so the smell can permeate the house.

Today I would rather be knitting the blanket I have been promising myself I will make for our lounge room for this winter.

Today I would rather be methodically tidying my little home with a place for everything and everything in its place.

Today I would like to be moving all my pot-plants out into the rain to soak up its goodness.

Today I would rather be doing my washing and watching a load tumble around and around drying and warming up my little house.

Today I would rather be listening to music while ironing crisp lines in our clothing.

Today I would rather be wiping benches and making dishes sparkly clean.

Heck today I'd even rather be scrubbing the toilet.

And just to ensure that you all don't think I'm wearing rose coloured glasses, today I would even be happy to watch my husband come home from work and undo just about everything I'd spent all day doing so I could do it all again tomorrow.

If I ever get to be a stay at home mum I'll probably be forced to eat my words and that's ok, I'm prepared to eat a slice or two of humble pie if I have to.  But today, right at this moment, I'd like to punch the person that took this decision out of my hands on the nose because nobody asked me.

*Before you all start to hate me there are lots of good, positive and very important things about women's rights that I have no problem with, I just sometimes wonder if the way things look today is exactly what these women meant when they started their fight.

Linking up with Jess today because it's Tuesday.